For me a photograph is more than an image, it’s an opportunity to convey a message, to highlight a life, to capture a moment in time, and to express creativity. When someone wants a photograph of nature, I am not one to go out and take photos of flowers and trees.

When I think about a photograph I am going to take, I think about what I want to say and what I need to do to convey my thought(s).  At times I’ve needed to paint the bottom of a shoe red, make a dress out of plastic, and here, in this image I needed a frame broken in the right place, so I needed to strategically break it myself.

When I learned about the photo contest’s theme “Broken,” the first thought that came to mind was mental illness. The second thing I thought of was, what do I need to do to show a message of living with a mental illness and hope.

I found some glass frames, shattered them, and photographed the shattered part but it was not as impactful as I imagined. I then painted both the frame and the glass to give it more contrast.

In the process I got sidetracked from my concept because I was driving back and forth, almost every weekend, from LA to Santa Barbara and not carrying all my photography and art equipment. While in LA, I asked my daughter to model for my mental illness concept. When I got back to Santa Barbara, I looked at the images and I was dissatisfied. I decided to do something simpler and asked a classmate to model for me as a “Heartbreaker.” After the shoot I looked at the images and I was still dissatisfied; not my model’s fault, but my fault for not executing the image I had in my head onto the photographs I had taken. I thought of just giving up, but the “Mental Illness” concept was still on my mind.

Having worked in the mental health field for many years and experiencing it first-hand, I know how broken and hopeless people can feel living with mental illness, at times it takes a “herculean” effort to live a “productive/within normal range” life.

It was 10 pm the night before the due date and I thought I had no one to ask to give me five hours of their time to be photographed to see if I could create an acceptable photo. I decided to do a self-portrait; I think the image I submitted was probably taken after 2 am and 100 or more takes after.

In this photo, I hope the viewer can see someone who is both broken and hopeful.

The literal representation of “broken” in the form of a shattered window and figuratively through the woman’s facial expression.  The woman looking through the broken glass, with hand on the window as if wanting to get out of a dark place.  Her eye in the middle of the large hole represents hope because she could see the light at the end of the tunnel. The juxtaposition of part of a black frame on the left and the white frame on right is a message that suffering from mental illness is not living in a “dark place or in a cotton candy and unicorns land” but more often living in the gray area with strength, coping techniques, therapy, and the love and support from caring and compassionate human beings.